


Night Without Stars

by aquazephyrus



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alcohol, Gen, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-30
Updated: 2014-09-30
Packaged: 2018-02-19 09:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2384090
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aquazephyrus/pseuds/aquazephyrus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are times when Aaron Hotchner reflects, and there are times when he fears he's becoming someone he doesn't want to become. </p>
<p>And there's the one time he admitted it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Night Without Stars

**Author's Note:**

> This one's kinda personal in a massive way because of explicit reasons, but. Let's just say Alexis Katherine Callen is one of the most wonderful people in existence right now.
> 
> Taken post-season 9. No more prison, lots of attempts to mend because that's just how I am.

Eleven thirty-two PM.

Shaky hands lifted the glass to his mouth. Jack had been in bed for the last two hours, but there wasn’t a chance that Aaron was going to be falling asleep any time soon. Eyes were closed as he swallowed the bitter scotch, rubbing his eyes and trying to remember that damn calming exercise Dave had once spoke to him about. Every time he did it, it never seemed to work as it was. Even the scotch was doing little to ease the anxiety. 

The quiet knock at the door made the man nearly jump out of his skin, but he slowly climbed to his feet and walked over with a look through the peephole. He had to take a good few seconds before he unlocked both the deadbolt as well as the sliding lock and opened the door. “S-Sean?”

His younger brother stood there, quietly looking at the other with that… that _look._ Like he just knew that something was wrong. “Hey.”

“What’re you doing here? It’s like. Eleven thirty.”

Sean bit his lip for a moment and chewed it before he looked down at his sneakers and exhaled softly. Aaron quietly noted he hadn’t shaved in a few days.

“Can I come in?”

Aaron nodded a little, albeit confused as he stepped aside with Sean quietly walking into the apartment and slipping his shoes off. He shut the door and redid the locks before gesturing him to the living room. “Can I get you anything?”

He shook his head with a glance back to Aaron and to the glass. Already, he was making his way to the living room with hands in his pockets while Aaron followed him, gesturing for his younger brother to sit down. Taking the invitation, Sean sat on the couch and watched as Aaron took he chair next to him with that still-shaking hand of scotch.

“So… what’s up?” Aaron took a sip.

Sean shakily exhaled and glanced back at the other. “Should be asking you.”

Aaron’s throat clenched. “I’m fine.”

“… … …” Sean didn’t say anything for a long moment.

“What?”

“…could you just. Not bullshit me please?”

“Sean, I’m _fine.”_

“Sure. Why do I get the feeling you’re lying to me?”

Aaron’s hand clenched around the glass. Sean watched him, almost tensing himself.

It took a minute before the hand unclenched, and Aaron slumped down slowly in his seat. He set the glass on the table next to him and closed his eyes, pinching the bridge of his nose with a shudder. Sean wasn’t entirely sure if he saw tears sliding out from his brother’s eyes or not, but he looked away for that moment and found himself staring back at his shoes. …maybe he needed a new pair or two. But the mind wandered back to the matter at hand, turning back to Aaron and biting his lip again. “Aaron?”

“ ‘m not fine.”

Brother instincts were a damn good thing to have sometimes. Especially when you got that gut feeling something was wrong and didn’t even bother to _call_ the man in question. You just grabbed your bike and drove. “Wanna talk about it?”

Again, the profiler sat there was fingers still pinching. Sean almost regretted asking it.

“Aaron?”

“I fucking suck at this.”

Sean frowned.

“I fucking _suck at this,_ Sean,” he continued, gesturing to the hallway and Jack’s bedroom. His voice was cracking. “Look at me.”

“Aaron, c’mon…”

“ ** _Look at me, Sean,_** ” the man snarled.

“I… I can’t do this. I can’t be some hero and some profiler and a dad all at once. I can’t do this. I come home, I don’t even have enough time to do anything with my kid. There’s barely anything called dinner, I tuck him in, and I repeat it the next day. And there’s the goddamn alcohol, and I just…” Aaron shook his head, hand on his forehead and not looking at his brother. “I’m turning into _him._ And I don’t want to be. But I just…”

Sean closed his eyes at this.

“I… I don’t know. I don’t know anymore. I. I keep…”

Aaron sniffled softly and shook his head again.

“Hey.”

The profiler turned his head to his brother, and to his _shock,_ Sean was tearing up in turn.

“Don’t you ever say that.”

“But…”

“No, shut up for a minute.” Sean leaned forward on the couch, teeth gritted and speaking through what were now his own tears. “Just shut up for a goddamn second. You’re so much better than that… that _fuck_ was. You’re not him. I know you probably do the same shit I do every day; you get up, you stare at yourself in the mirror, and you wonder if you’re turning into him. Well, you’re _not_. I know you work your ass off to be _nothing like **he**_ ever was.” He was trembling now as he spoke, shaking his head. “You aren’t _him._ And I know you won’t be because you’re better than him. You’re more than him.”

Aaron swallowed hard at this and sniffled loudly. Sean handed him a tissue. He accepted.

“I.. I will remind you every damn day how you won’t be like him. People love you. You’re wanted. You’re good, kind… so many people are lucky to have you, man.” Sean swiped at his own eye for a minute before he shook his head again. “I’ll remind you every damn day if I…I have to call you or something. You’re _not_ him.”

Both Hotchners sat in silence for a good minute before Aaron sniffled again and glanced at his brother. Sean looked right back at him with that… fierce determination in those red eyes.

“…thank you."


End file.
